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first?

I asked God to show me what first love means in my life. I don't remember having a love in any beginning that was particularly passionate. I think my passion has grown over time.

Then, my first love contacted me unexpectedly. All the reasons why I am not with him came flooding back. I had told him that he didn't understand love. Of course, he accused me of judging him. But it was the truth. I would much rather respect someone by trusting them with the truth than to hide the truth so that they like me.

I was also confronted with questions of why didn't care so much about all the ways he hurt me. The truth is, I loved him almost immediately, and I still do. He does not fully understand the ways that his love for me is barely formed. I forgive him, because I know that the wisdom he would have needed to know how to support me was simply beyond his reach. How can I convince someone that don't know what they don't know? All I can do is let God be the One who lets people know.

Finally, I realized what I wanted from him. I loved him immediately, because he delighted in me.  He made me want to be more adventurous. Even in the beginning though, he never knew me. All he ever knew about me what I offer him and what I did not offer him. We will always care about each other as a once in a lifetime connection, but we have nothing to offer the other now.

What does first love mean in my life?

I was reminded that I had wanted to have his baby. I thought I was pregnant, and I wanted to have the baby so that I could keep the man. I was ashamed of that feeling even then. I knew that was not a good reason to have a baby. Now, I look back at that feeling as the kind of first love that Jesus describes in Revelation. I never wanted to have children except then. I would have given up my desires in order to have him. I went to the doctor and found out that I was not pregnant, but it really felt like I was for a while.

First love is joyful sacrifice. It's when you are willing to give all of who you think you are to become who Jesus is. Becoming a parent is a great example of this. When that baby is born, you are not who you were before.

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